


Mercy Mirror

by Run_you_clever_boy7493



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Anal Sex, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, Lyrium Withdrawal, M/M, Poor Cullen Rutherford, Poor Dorian, Sexy Times, these two are a mess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-10-30
Packaged: 2019-06-16 04:33:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 14,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15429111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Run_you_clever_boy7493/pseuds/Run_you_clever_boy7493
Summary: Dorian goes on a long trip back to his homeland, Tevinter. When he returns he finds his lover Cullen barely hanging on from lyrium withdrawals. But what was to come next could truly tear them apart. (Fic originally titled Fall but will be using that title for a one-shot in the works).





	1. Chapter One

**Hello again everyone. Thanks so much to everyone who has been giving me feedback on my other one shots on these two. This particular fic will be in two parts since it was getting too long for it to be all written in one chapter. Enjoy!**

Chapter One 

“A letter for you sir.” Cullen cursed under his breath. Not because of the letter. But the fact that the scout had to enter while he was in a throe of a particularly bad withdrawal. He tightened his grip on his desk as he tried to straighten back up. His head pounded and it was so difficult to catch his breath as he felt particularly light headed. He squeezed his eyes shut, willing his body to function only for just a moment so he could grab the letter. He could hear the scout shuffle awkwardly a few feet from him and he exhaled sharply through his nose. He hated the scout had to see him so weak, so devoid of composure and control on his own mind and body. Finally he opened his eyes and quickly snatched the letter from the scout’s grip.

“Thank you that would be all.” He managed to croak out before turning away from the man. Once he heard the door shut he quickly grabbed a chair and sat down heavily before his legs gave out. With shaking fingers he ripped the wax seal and unfolded the letter.

_Amatus,_

_I’m so sorry I’m taking so long to return back to Skyhold but as you know Tevinter is not a land that is going to change so easily. My father is still the Ambassador of course but he is trying his best to listen to my opinions on matters. It really seems like he is trying to make an effort to get to know the true Dorian. The Dorian he tried to change into something else with disgusting blood magic. I appreciate his effort but I of course am not going to forgive him so easily, if ever. My mother is the same as ever, a imperious presence strong enough to even make men of higher status uncomfortable._

_Enough with family matters I worry everyday about you. How bad are the withdrawals? I strongly despise the fact that I won’t be there to comfort you in your nights of constant nightmares. I hope however that Cassandra is keeping an eye on you in my stead. Stay strong Amatus and stay safe. Who knows when the Elder One will return to finish what he started in Haven. I give you my word that I will be leaving this place in at least three weeks time, whether or not I leave things unsettled. I just need to see you just as bad as I’m sure you need to see me._

_Forever yours,_

_Dorian_

Cullen put down the letter with a sigh. Dorian had already been gone for a month. It was all because of his father paying an unexpected visit and mother Giselle tried to keep it under wraps. Thankfully the Inquisitor was a great women and would not keep Dorian in the dark until they went to the tavern. After their discussion Dorian just felt the need to return to his homeland.

“I have to be the one to pave the way for change Amatus.” Dorian had insisted after a tense night of arguing as the time for Dorian to leave got closer and closer. Now there was nothing to do but wait. He made a mental note to send a correspondence back by the end of the day and returned back to his daily duties. The withdrawals were always the worst at night and he found himself sitting at his desk trying for the third time to write a letter back to Dorian. His hand tried to make words across the page but it was shaking so bad that all the letters got all muddled. He slammed down the quill with more force than necessary and put his head in his hands. It’s like his body was purposefully rebelling more than usual now that Dorian was not there to vanquish the pain. How he was going to make it through another four weeks or more...maker knows. But the best thing was just to sleep some time away. He still had a vial of potion left that Dorian had Vivienne make to quell the nightmares as much as possible. Lighting a candle he left the office to make his way to Dorian chamber’s. He had his own bed of course but he preferred to sleep in a bed and room that still has the lingering smell of Dorian. It made his absence less hard to bear. He practically fell into the sea of silks and furs that made up his lover’s bed. He wrapped himself in as many as possible and fell into a sleep faster than usual. Unfortunately that was to be the last night he would fall into a deep sleep with nightmares being abated by magic.

Four weeks later, or more Cullen had lost track. The nightmares that could no longer be held back prevented him from wanting to sleep a wink. It was so relentless he felt his eyes linger towards the chest that held the thing that could be his salvation several times. He had taken the wooden case out a few times, staring at the contents inside. It was all there, the materials he needed to mix the lyrium into a drinkable form. So easy to drink it here and now and feel the sweet relief. But he forced himself to slam the lid of the case closed and put it away out of sight.

“You are stronger than you give yourself credit Cullen.” Cassandra said with confidence one night when he asked her to meet him for a talk.

“I can’t take it much longer Cassandra, it’s relentless, I can’t…” His voice trailed off. Talking was even exhausting. 

“You can and you will. I will not hear otherwise Commander or maker help me.” Her words were like steel but her brown eyes were filled with obvious concern for her friend. He looked away, rubbing his neck more roughly than usual as his mind continued to be in turmoil. 

“You know very well too that Dorian would want the same thing.” Those words seem to cut through him like a blade but he just sighed in defeat.

“Thank you Cassandra. I will now return to my duties.” He strode out of the armory before his mind could change and break him. It would take him back to where he was just an hour ago, begging for Cassandra to help him resign his duty as Commander of the Inquisition. 

He walked across the battlements, his office door just a few feet in front of him. He looked down into the courtyard where the people of the Inquisition milled about. He and everyone else was startled when the iron gate of the entrance lifted up suddenly to allow a figure on horseback to enter. Even at a distance he would recognize those white robes with silver accents anywhere. They glinted in the sun and the staff on his back glowed brightly. It felt like a fist had closed around Cullen’s heart. 

Dorian’s horse went at a easy canter toward the stables. His gaze went up toward the battlements but he would not see Cullen there. He had already unfrozen from his spot and was barreling toward the courtyard, propriety be damned. 

Dorian had barely dismounted his horse before strong hands wrapped around him and lifted him into the air. He yelped with surprise that quickly turned into a laugh as he looked down to see Cullen smile up at him as he spun him in the air before being setting him on his feet. 

“Maker’s breath did I miss you.” Cullen’s breath tickled his ear as he was wrapped in a tight hug. 

“As did I miss you Amatus.” He drew Cullen back and he felt his heart give a sharp jolt in his chest. To say Cullen looked haggard would be an understatement. His golden hair, usually short and well kempt had grown out a bit to the collar of his armor, making his curls naturally come more out and wild than before. It was pretty sexy Dorian thought but the dark circles bruising the skin under his eyes was certainly not. Out of reflex, Dorian’s hand went up to cup Cullen’s face, feeling the beginnings of a beard underneath his fingertips. Cullen’s hand closed on his own and his eyes momentarily closed at the feel of the familiar touch he missed so much.

“You look awful Cullen. Missed me that much?” Dorian said, trying to sound light and teasing with a chuckle but it sounded hollow, even to him.

But Cullen spared him a small snort “Of course.”

But Dorian could not withdraw his hand. The more he studied his lover’s appearance the more it concerned him. And the more it made guilt bury itself into his heart for leaving him to deal with his demons on his own.

“I’m fine Dorian, truly.” Cullen said after many beats of Dorian not taking his hand off of him.

“Your appearance says otherwise Amatus, have you been sleeping at all?”

Cullen rolled his eyes. “I’m fine stop fretting over me I get enough of that from Amelie.”

Dorian smiled at the mention of the Inquisitor’s name. “Glad to hear it. Where is our dear Inquisitor anyway?”

“She’s out in the Forbidden Oasis with Bull, Blackwall, and Vivienne.” 

That made Dorian pout “ _Kaffas_ I really wanted to go on that mission.”

Cullen chuckled “Then don’t spend a month or two in Tevinter. A week would have sufficed.”

Dorian just rolled his eyes and shook his head in answer. They both made their way out of the courtyard and to Dorian’s quarters to “unpack his belongings” so to speak since right when the chests were all put down Cullen had the door barred and started to strip himself out of his armor. Dorian just raised an eyebrow and with a chuckle followed suit until they were both bare. The chill of the autumn air seemed to seep right down to the bone and Dorian shivered. But he wasn’t sure it was just the cold making him shudder as Cullen approached slowly. Dorian has seen him naked several times but the sight of him never failed to make his cock swell with pleasure and his breath to hitch. How he was able to score a blonde god as his lover was something he could not fathom. He always seemed to have a weak spot for that type.

Dorian felt the back of his legs touch the furs of his bed and he let himself fall backward into the soft comfort of it. Cullen was on top of him in an instant, capturing his mouth and being careful not to crush him under his weight. He opened his mouth with a groan and let Cullen explore with his tongue. Dorian took his bottom lip and gently sucked it until Cullen let out a growl of pleasure from deep within his throat. It was a primal sound and it never ceased to make Dorian’s cock pulse and throb mercilessly. The pressure was starting to get too much but Cullen purposefully took his time, letting his lips linger on his then trailing down his neck. He gently sucked on the vulnerable area right in the cavity of his collarbone and he audibly gasped:

“ _Festis bei umo canavarum_ ” 

He could feel Cullen smile as he kissed more lines up the side of the throat and the edge of his jaw. As he did this his hand crept lower and lower until his fingers were caressing the hair right below the navel. Insufferable tease Dorian thought as his breath caught once again as tingles traveled all along his body. Having enough Dorian took Cullen’s cock in his hand when both hands and arms were out of the way. His amber eyes seemed to widen as another groan was released from inside him. 

“Maker Dorian don’t stop.” He pleaded as he stroked the folds of skin up and down slowly then a little faster. He only let go to flip Cullen onto his back. He went down with a grunt then a chuckle. Dorian got on his knees, taking hold again of Cullen’s cock. 

“Is this ok or would you rather fuck me?” Dorian purred. Cullen couldn’t respond for a moment, his chest heaving as he tried to regain his breath.

“Yes.” He breathed and Dorian let himself slide inside, feeling for the prostate. Once he found it he pressed against it, thrusting in and out over and over. Cullen’s head snapped back in ecstacy and he couldn’t stifle a loud moan. Dorian grinned and kept going, needing to release the pressure that was getting more than uncomfortable. Cullen’s cock had precum already on his tip and Dorian leaned forward to lick it off with his tongue. He pulled away just as Cullen came, his seed spewing all over Dorian’s chest and stomach. He didn’t mind as he was in his own throe of an orgasm as he came inside Cullen’s rectum. They both collapsed, completely boneless and shaking with the aftermath of the orgasm.  
.  
“I love you Amatus.” Dorian breathed as he snuggled up to Cullen, Putting his head on his chest. He didn’t need to look at him to know he was smiling.

“You were the first one to admit those words.” 

Dorian rolled his eyes “Yes yes I know I won’t live down such sentimentality. To be fair though we were in a situation that was starting to look like I would not make it out alive.” That brought back brief flashes of memories. There was the Shrine of Dumat, destroyed by Samson and the red templars. There were so many of them including behemoths. Dorian got a pretty deep stab wound in the stomach. Cullen had to push those memories aside before the emotions could come back.

Dorian could feel Cullen’s body go tense so he trailed his fingers over his chest and stomach until he relaxed. Once he did Dorian pulled himself up with a groan.

“Why don’t we wash up before bed?” Cullen just grunted in agreement and they both made their way to the private bath attached to Dorian’s chamber. They took turns washing each other, the copper tub too small for two grown men. 

“Maker do I love it when you massage my head.” Cullen breathed as Dorian put oils on his hands and massaged it into Cullen’s scalp as he lounged in the tub. Dorian grinned and enjoyed the feel of his hands running through Cullen’s golden locks.

“I like your hair this long it’s quite sexy.”

Cullen snorted “More like harder to maintain.”

“I can help with that.” Dorian purred before they elapsed into comfortable silence. 

All clean and smelling fresher, the two returned to the bedroom and removed the soiled linens and furs. 

“I’m feeling a little peckish after such exercise. Anything you want from the kitchens my dear?”

Cullen shook his head “I’m alright you go on ahead. Try not to take too long.”

Dorian leaned down to give a quick peck on Cullen’s lips in answer before throwing on a loose tunic and breeches. Making his way through the stone halls and looking out the windows, he could estimate it was just nightfall. Maker how long were they at it? He chuckled and made it to the kitchens. Trying to stay out of the cook’s way he grabbed a bottle of wine, a chuck of cheese, and half a loaf of bread. A lot of food for one person but he was already making a plan of coaxing some bits of food and drink into Cullen before retiring for the night. The man still looked dreadful and Dorian couldn’t help but worry what he was doing to himself while he was away. He was about to open his door to his chambers when Leliana seemed to appear beside him. He yelped and just managed to catch the bottle of wine before it shattered on the floor. 

“Sorry to startle you Dorian.” She said evenly but her eyes contained a glint of amusement.

“ _Fasta vass_ you made me practically jump out of my skin.” He hissed back at her.

“Dorian are you alright?” Cullen’s muffled voice came through the door.

“Yes I’m quite alright it’s just---” He made the next words die in his throat when Leliana put a gloved finger to her lips.

“I just almost tripped on my own two feet silly me. I dropped some food in the process so I need to return to the kitchens. I won’t be long.” Dorian didn’t wait for a response since Leliana was already making her way back in the direction he came so he had to follow, leaving the wine and food outside the door.

“One of my raven’s delivered a message a few minutes ago. I think you would like to read it in private first.” She said before Dorian could express his annoyance. An unease started to creep into him at her words. But he continued to follow in silence to Leliana’s personal office, her birds flying around or squawking in iron cages. She handed him the piece of parchment that was sitting on her desk. 

“You should go read this where no one can disturb you.” He raised an eyebrow but did what she suggested. He lit a small flame in his hand and could barely keep himself from looking at the words on the page until he got there. From the brief glimpse he gave it he could see it was the neat cursive of his mother’s penmanship. It made his stomach twist itself into knots at what she could be possibly writing to him about. The two of them have not made a habit of writing to each other in the time he was away from home so it had to be important. He finally sat down on the cold stone of a bench in the vacant garden and raised his hand to the paper. His eyes quickly roved the page and with every word he felt sicker and sicker. At one point he lost focus and the fire went out. Dorian quickly summoned it back to life with shaking hands until he was finished. Once he did the fire abruptly extinguished and the paper fluttered to the ground for his hands couldn’t seem to function anymore. He sat there barely able to breathe and stay calm. But once the meaning of the words started to sink inside him he put his head in his hands and sobbed. He cried and cried and it wasn’t for what the letter told him. It was because of what it meant for him and Cullen.

**I’m sorry I just can’t resist cliffhangers. You will not be waiting for the last chapter for long though it is almost done and I will have it posted by Friday eastern standard time. Until then please review I appreciate the feedback so much.**


	2. Chapter Two

**Sorry for making you wait this long and for saying I would post this weeks ago I really shouldn’t say that since I’m terrible with deadlines. This chapter ended up being way longer than I thought actually so now this will be most likely a three parter. Enjoy!**

Chapter Two

Dorian did not know how long he sat in the garden sobbing like a child. No matter how much he tried he could not stop. He could still see the words that would change his life forever:

_Dorian,_

_Your father has been assassinated. It grieves me so to have to tell you in this way my son. But no other reason would have you return to Tevinter posthaste. You are our only heir and it falls on to you to take over your father’s position as Ambassador. If you have any love for me at all and any love for your country, you will make your way back to Tevinter and take the position that was always meant to be yours when the time came. I expect you in a weeks time._

_Yours,_

_Aquinea Thalrassian_

His mother did not include more details but she did not have to. He knew she would expect him to go right to Amelie and tell her that he resigns as a member of the Inquisition. She would expect him to cut ties with anyone and everyone he knew and loved. Especially the man he loved most of all that his parents never knew about and now, his father never will. He did not think he could bear it. His nightmares were coming to fruition. Of course he wanted to be at such a position of power. It would make it so easy to try to push Tevinter into the direction it needed to go. But he did not expect it to come so soon. He expected to be able to discuss it with Cullen at least. But now it looked like he would just have to keep it under wraps and leave as soon as possible. It would destroy him to just leave without saying goodbye but if he told Cullen he would try to convince him to stay or worse that he would be coming with Dorian to Tevinter. He couldn’t let that happen. Cullen belonged here with the Inquisition. Tevinter was not a place for an ex-templar commander who also happened to be the Ambassador's lover. Finally the tears seemed to subside but left behind aching, puffy eyes, and a pounding headache. He sniffled loudly and stood up. He had to get himself together now before Cullen came looking for him. But a quick trip to the undercroft for a potion seemed like a must.

“Sparkler! I thought that was you. What are you doing lurking around at this time of night?” A familiar deep voice broke the silence as Dorian entered the great hall. He felt himself jolt with surprise and his eyes focused on a small but broad form by the fire across the room. He cursed inwardly. If he had been more with it he would have thought better of heading in this direction where there was bound to be at least some stragglers hanging about. Varric was sitting by the fire, looking like he was in the process of working on another one of his novels from the stacks of parchment and the quill poised above an already half written page. 

“I just needed some air. Don’t mind me.” He waved his hand dismissively. He thanked the night for being able to hide his features in the shadows. His eyes were still indefinitely swollen and it felt like someone was banging his temple like a bloody drum. 

“Curly getting too much for you?” Varric teased.

Dorian attempted a laugh but it sounded a little too high pitched.

“No he is wonderful I just...like to take a nightly stroll.”

“Alright Sparkler you don’t have to tell me anything. Just wanted to let you know that I’m all ears and despite my reputation I can be a great keeper of secrets.”

This time Dorian’s laugh was genuine “I can’t say I can take your word on that Varric.”

Varric just shrugged “Suit yourself.” Dorian could hear the _scritch scratch_ of the quill as Varric returned to his work. This was the best opportunity to get away and get back to Cullen. But Dorian just felt compelled to stay put. He just watched Varric for a few moments, not able to unstick his feet from the floor. 

“How do you and Bianca...well keep your romance alive despite everything? She is married to someone else yes?” Varric’s hand immediately stilled on the paper.

“You know about that huh? Can’t say I’m surprised.” Dorian watched as he calmly put the quill back into the inkwell before speaking again;

“Bianca is a part of a powerful family that needed a powerful alliance with another equally powerful family. What better way to do that then marriage.” Varric gave a small snort and shook his head.

“We were found out and ordered to never be in contact with each other again. We still manage to sneak letter to each other and meet in private from time to time. But...I wouldn’t say our relationship is of a strong kind. She is truly one of the best smiths out there and really has no business with the likes of me.”

“Forbidden romance.” Dorian mused out loud “One of the best kind I think.” Varric just chuckled good-naturedly in answer.

“I suppose you have a reason for asking such a question?” He said after a few moments of silence.

More beats of silence passed, the words too hard to say. But he forced them out.

“My father is dead.”

“Ah.” There was a lot of understanding in that one word and it made Dorian feel a little better for saying the words out loud.

“So you have to return permanently to Tevinter?” Dorian was not surprised that Varric would know details about his previous life.

“Yes…”

“Are you going to tell Curly this?”

The lingering silence was answer enough.

“It is ultimately your decision but I would really reconsider about keeping him in the dark. Nothing is more worse than a broken heart.” With that Varric returned to his work and Dorian made himself leave the room and head to his chambers, the ache of the headache forgotten for the moment. 

When he got back to the chambers he was relieved to see that that the food and drink had not moved from its spot. He grabbed it all and when he opened the door he made sure his face was slightly turned away just in case his face still showed his despair. But he did not have to go to the trouble since there was soft snoring and he looked to see Cullen fast asleep, clutching the blankets like a child. It was adorable and Dorian couldn’t help but smile. He carefully set everything on a small table by the hearth before removing his tunic and breeches before he lowered himself onto the edge of the bed. He did not stir so Dorian took a few more moments to just sit with his own thoughts. Sleep seemed like an impossible thing. He ran his hand through his hair and sighed. He was startled when a hand closed around his arm.

“What’s going on? Are you just returning now?” Cullen asked, his voice thick with sleep.

“No my love. Just can’t sleep” he turned towards him so he could place a kiss on his forehead “Go back to sleep Amatus I’ll join you in a moment.” Apparently that’s all he needed to say since Cullen mumbled something as he rolled over, releasing his grip on Dorian’s arm. Dorian couldn’t help but chuckle before he sobered up again. Tomorrow he would have to pack in secret and take off on his horse before Cullen could notice his absence. Varric’s advice came to him but he still couldn’t feel like he could tell Cullen. It would just make things infinitely more worse. So he just sat there all night, unable to sleep and unable to get his mind to calm down. 

When the sun started to rise he flopped himself onto his back to make it look like he was sleeping as Cullen stirred. 

“Morning.”Cullen mumbled and wrapped Dorian in his arms, trapping him to his chest. Dorian let himself just bury his face into Cullen’s neck and breathed in the smell of him. He felt his blonde locks tickle his nose and cheeks. 

“You feel so warm.” Cullen moaned with pleasure and Dorian just snorted.

“Alright up you get Amatus you have duties to attend to.” Dorian untangled himself from Cullen but giggled when he was grabbed about the waist and pulled back into his arms. 

“Your not going anywhere. My soldiers can wait a few more moments.” With that Cullen gave him one of those body tingling kisses that had him moaning into his mouth. He eagerly opened it to let each other’s tongues explore and prod as they please. It made Dorian’s chest hurt at the knowledge that this could very well be the last time he would ever get to kiss the love of his life. Once Dorian went away to Tevinter Cullen would undoubtedly want nothing to do with him. Betrayals do that, like a thorn that can never be removed. He tried to pretend that he was not thinking of such thoughts but he must have responded in some way since Cullen pulled away. His amber eyes showed concern.

“Everything all right?” 

“Sorry Amatus my mind just wandered off for a moment.” Cullen raised an eyebrow, waiting for Dorian to elaborate.

He quickly thought up a lie “I was just thinking of my trip to the Emprise Du Lion today with the Inquisitor. Lucky me.” He faked a shiver for emphasis. Cullen laughed.

“She always seems to drag you to your least favorite places. Just make sure to dress warm and practice your fire spells. I can’t have my mage coming back a frozen corpse.” Cullen was teasing but those last words did worry him. There was always risks with every mission and it didn’t get any easier to bear. Cullen was always having to stay behind in Skyhold while Dorian went off to maker knows where. He of course can handle himself but Cullen prayed that everytime he could be there just in case things went awry.

“I’ll survive. I’m peckish, why don’t you take a trip to the kitchens this time?”

“As you wish.” He kissed Dorian on the forehead “I’ll return shortly.” With that Cullen left the room, thankfully not noticing the untouched drink and food from yesterday on the table. Dorian decided to pack it for the trip. Quickly he grabbed a saddle bag to stuff some of his favorite clothes in. He would have to leave the chests and the majority of his clothes behind. Trying to drag chests down the courtyard and onto a cart would make quite a scene. He would have to make a trip to the library to pick up a couple of his favorite books from the collection as well. He put the food in another sack to tie to his horse. Not enough food for a week long journey so he would have to make yet another trip to the kitchens. All without drawing suspicion. Even with the excuse of the supposed mission, this was going to be a lot harder than he really thought. What if the Inquisitor went to Cullen’s office when they were supposedly on the way to the Emprise? Dorian would definitely have not covered much ground by then so the silly man would indefinitely charge after him. He guessed he would have to tell at least one more person of the news. He forced the thoughts away and just managed to stuff his bags out of sight before Cullen returned with some fruit, water, and porridge. 

“You are a lifesaver darling.” He kissed Cullen’s cheek and was rewarded with one of his adorable, crooked smiles of his. Together they made fast progress of the food.

“I guess I can’t avoid my work any longer.” Cullen sighed once they were both sated. 

“It’s alright. I’ll make sure to stop by your office before I head off with everyone.”

“You better.” He kissed Dorian deeply before changing into his armor. Dorian watched him and Cullen gave him a grin before leaving the room and shutting the door behind him. When it closed it was like his heart shattered. The pain was so great it had him gasping and clutching his chest for a few moments. He knew that it was a pain he was going to have to learn to push down and eventually have to move on from. He couldn’t be the ambassador of Tevinter if he was always nursing a broken heart. 

He forced himself to take a few deep breaths before straightening again. Tears pressed behind his eyes but he blinked them away. There would be time to cry later. He quickly changed into one of this usual attire before heading straight for Amelie’s quarters. When he knocked on the door he was relieved to hear her shout “Come in!” With the Inquisitor it was never certain as to where she could be. When he walked up the stairs he found her sitting at her desk, already dressed and looking ready for the day. She smiled at Dorian but when she really looked at the expression on his face it faded.

“Dorian? What is it?” It was so hard not to break down right here. But he pushed it back once more.

“Do you have a moment?” His voice came out steady thankfully. She gestured to sit at the chair she had placed in front of her desk just for an occasion like this. He sunk down into it gratefully and took a few more deep breaths.

“I just got word from my mother this morning. My father is dead.” Her eyes widen with shock before softening with compassion.

“I’m so sorry to hear that Dorian.”

He waved it off “It’s quite alright as you know my father and I were not on the best of terms. What I really came here to tell you is what that really means for me and the Inquisition”

He could tell she understood immediately, her eyes becoming sad and her posture a little less straight and sure.

“As was always planned since my birth, I am to now be the next Ambassador. I am to leave immediately but I knew I had to tell you first. Not just because you are my dearest friend but because I must ask a favor of you.”

She waited in silence as he continued “I told Cullen that I was just going on a mission with you to the Emprise. I can’t let him know what is truly going on.” She opened her mouth to speak but he plowed on: 

“Cullen belongs here with you and the Inquisition. You know what he would do. He would beg for me to stay or more likely insist on coming with me. I can’t let him throw away the life he has here. There is nothing for him in Tevinter. I know what I ask is impossible but I beg of you please keep the ruse of the mission up as long as you can. Stay out of his sight or even head off to some mission to make it more easy on yourself. By the time you would come back and the truth would be known, I would be almost to Tevinter. Order him not to go after me.” He was crying now, the words getting a little harder to say clearly but Amelie was able to understand enough. She immediately rose from her seat and kneeled in front of him to take Dorian into her arms. She let him cry until he was able to calm himself down.

“I will do as you ask but you must promise me that you will at least send a letter to Skyhold so he can hear the truth from you. I’ll try my best to keep him from charging after you but that’s all I can do once the ruse is up. He’s stubborn I wouldn’t be surprised if he defied my orders to stay put” Dorian nodded in understanding and pulled himself away from her. He sniffled and grabbed a handkerchief from his pocket to quickly dry his nose and eyes.

“I will miss you Amelie. When some time has passed I will make a point to visit. That’s the least I can do for all you have done for me.” Dorian rose from his chair and Amelie followed.

“I’ll hold you to that.” She grinned and punched his arm lightly “Now get out of here before I change my mind”

He laughed and heeded her words, heading to the library as planned to get some of his beloved books. It took him longer than he planned from all the stops he had to make while making a point to take the least traveled way around the fortress, but now he had his horse saddled and his belongings securely tied to it. He made sure his staff was secured enough on his back, tight enough for it not to fall off in the jostling of riding, but loose enough for him to grab it quickly if needed. He ignored the suspicious stare from horse master Dennet and mounted his horse. He went on a slow canter, watching the courtyard and battlements closely. He iron gate was thankfully already open so he made his way onto the bridge that lead out of Skyhold. His heart pounded with every step, just waiting to hear Cullen shout after him but the maker must have been on his side since there was only the distant noise of the courtyard. While the last gate rose he looked behind him to Skyhold, his former home. His chest ached as his heart seemed to be pierced with several daggers. A pain he has not felt in a long time and it was more painful than he remembered. His throat seemed to close up as he fought another incoming flow of tears. He could cry later when he made camp for the night but right now he needed to be alert and his vision to be clear. He forced himself to look forward and dug his heel into it horse. It took off with a loud neigh and Dorian held on tight as he headed out into the unforgiving mountains that would take him back towards his homeland.

\---

Cullen had been leaning over his desk for what felt like ages. When the words started to blur together and Dorian had yet to make an appearance, he decided to take a break and find him himself. Cullen went to the library first but Dorian’s chair stood vacant. He was nowhere to be found in the garden or in his chambers as well. The Inquisitor was missing as well so it had to be that they set off already. It was unlike Dorian to leave so abruptly but maybe there was a urgent mission that had to be dealt with. It made Cullen’s heart sink with disappointment. Now he had to spend another week or two without Dorian. 

“It never gets any easier.” He mumbled to himself and heaved a big sigh. When night fell on Skyhold he returned to office and climbed up the ladder to his empty bed. He could almost imagine Dorian laying across the covers, naked and grinning his mischievous smile. But no, the idiot had left without so much as a farewell. The bed felt cold but he blamed that on his withdrawals that left him either constantly freezing or sweating profusely from the heat. The whole night he tossed and turned, the nightmares not being able to be quelled this time. He would be trapped in this loop of him thinking he was fully awake with Dorian sitting atop of him. Dorian would grin and kiss him slowly but with so much passion it made Cullen shake a little from the pleasure of it. He would continue to kiss down his chest and would take Cullen’s already hard cock into his mouth. He tongue would do circles along his tip and his head would snapback with a groan. Dorian would hollow his cheeks and start to swallow his cock as Cullen bucked his hips upward. He would be screaming his name and then Dorian would morphe into the hideous form of the desire demon that tormented him so long ago when he was still a templar in Kirkwall. That’s when he would awake screaming and his body would not be able to fight back the exhaustion so he would be sucked back into his own personal level of hell. 

“Are you alright Cullen?” A voice asked and Cullen was startled out of his reverie to see Leliana staring at him with concern. He had been trying to read some reports on his desk and did not hear her enter. But that was the thing with Sister Nightingale anyway. She seemed to be made of shadows, her agents as well.

“I’m fine. Is there something you need me for?”

“No...I just wanted to see how you are faring.”

He felt his eyebrows draw down in confusion. “I’m not sure as to what you mean Leliana”

Her eyes seemed to widen and she made small movements towards the door.

“Nothing of importance. Forgive me for interrupting I will let you return to your work” With that she made a quick exit, leaving a very bewildered commander to his devices.

\---

It was so cold Dorian was afraid he would make it back to Tevinter with only a few of his extremities intact. He had just enough strength to summon fire to keep the logs he gathered aflame. His hands shook violently as he brought them towards the fire. He felt its warmth but not enough to revive feeling back into his fingers. They were stiff enough to be painful and he couldnt slifle a whimper from escaping between his chapped lips and chattering teeth. He could have been back at Skyhold, Cullen’s body a natural furnace that never let any chill touch his skin. He shook his head, trying to get every trace of Cullen out of him. But it was futile when his heart refuses to forget. He swore into the wind as it continued to blow and chunks of snow came raining down on him. After a few more minutes he decided he was not going to get any warmer so he climbed into the tent that he had managed to set up and pound into the ground so it would not blow away. The sound of the cloth material whipping in the wind was loud when he entered but it did shelter him from the worst of the blizzard. He burrowed into the pile of furs he packed for the trip and tried to get comfortable. It was impossible when he could still feel the cold, wet snow seeping into his back. But it wasn’t as though he would get sleep anyway. Not when he could not stop thinking of Cullen. 

He never really considered that he loved the man but with nothing but time at the moment he could feel how his absence seemed to be digging a hole into his chest. He spent many days away from him of course but this time he knew that it was likely he would never see him again. Tevinter was worlds away and he was still positive Cullen would hate him for such a betrayal. He wanted to cry but it seemed like the tears had dried up for the time being. So he just curled up and tried to push his way through the pain until morning. It seemed like eternity until the sun rose but when it did Dorian wasted no time. He quickly packed up his things and got back onto his horse. He was going to try to make a two days ride this time without stopping. The more distance he put on Skyhold the better. He could feel his body react to the lack of sleep, causing him to feel more sluggish and his mind to be sucked into a deep fog. He pulled a revival potion from his saddle bag and downed it before the awful taste could hit him. It helped a bit and he dug his heel into his horse to spur him on at a faster pace. Good thing he did for an arrow whizzed right by, just missing his shoulder by a hair. He heard it hit a tree with a thunk but he didn’t look back for a group of bandits were already descending upon him.  
There were about five of them in total, easy to take down with a whole party but this time he was alone. He slid off his horse and grabbed his staff in one motion. He got a little bit of whiplash from the impact but quickly recovered. A man charged at him with a roar and he quickly sent a bolt of lightning thundering right through his body. The man froze immediately, temporarily paralyzed and it was all Dorian needed to cast another spell to turn him into a glorified ice cube. He send a immolate glyph at another attacker and brought up his staff to block a attack with a blade. It clashed with a harsh vibration that went through Dorian’s whole body. He pushed the man back with all his might and gave a sharp blow to the head with the top of the staff. There was one man left standing but he knew for certain that there had been two. A rogue appeared in a big puff a smoke right next to him and he just had enough time to move back so the blade would not go right through his chest. It did unfortunately sink pretty deep into his forearm and he screamed with both pain and rage. With the blade still in him he brought up his staff and conjured a circle of lightning with as much strength as he could muster. It thankfully was enough to electrocute the two men and they went down like a sack of potatoes. Once it was all over to his dismay he realized his horse had run off, spooked by the noises of the battle. 

“ _Fasta vass_ what am I going to do now.” He groaned and plopped himself down in the snow. He cursed himself for not being careful enough to spot bandits before they attacked. If he did he would have at least had time to tie his horse to a tree before running into the battle. He pressed his hand to the wound and pulled it away to look at the damage. The rogue’s blade was a well crafted one, serrated and extremely painful. He did thank the maker however that it was not laced with poison. He knew he couldn’t keep it in but without the medical supplies he would most likely bleed out if he was to pull it out. His best hope was to try to call his horse back to him. If that didn’t work he would have to find some village or cottage to go to and pray they are friendly folk.

You could always just head back to Skyhold.

His thoughts were always a annoying bastard for it was true. He was probably only a day away from Skyhold by horse but it would probably take him at least a day in a half if he was to go by foot. His heart was screaming at him to go back but he knew he could not. He just had to keep moving forward to his homeland and hope that he does not die. 

“Cheery thought that.” He mumbled to himself and hissed in pain when he rose back into a standing position. He could feel the warmth of his blood in his hand but thankfully not enough to seep through his fingers at the moment but he knew that would change once he started moving. He let go of his arm just long enough to open his robes and rip a piece off one of the layers of his under clothes. His hands stained the white fabric immediately but there was nothing to be done about it. He just had to at least try to stop the bleeding as much as possible. It took him a few tries to get it around his arm with how stiff his fingers were getting but he managed to get it and tie it as tightly as possible around the blade. The new pressure made the pain even greater and it made his vision go white for a moment. He stumbled forward with a cry and used his good hand to stop himself from going down on his bad side. His hand went right through the thick layer of snow and he cursed in Tevene as he tried to get back up. His body that had been aching seemed to just want to give up completely now. His limbs refused to support his weight and his chest tightened so much that it was getting hard to breathe. All he could now was lay on his side in the snow and try to breathe and not fall asleep. Despite the pain he tried to call for his horse with his bad arm but with not enough breath it was impossible to send out a sharp whistle out into the snow. It was too much and his chest convulsed with a sob. He was an idiot for just riding off on his own to get back to Tevinter. Even the strongest man could not take down five foes at once. Now he was going to pay for his foolishness with his life.

“Forgive....me….Cullen.” He choked out before the darkness overcame him and swallowed him whole.

**Sorry again it took me ages to post this update. I know what is going to happen in the third and final chapter of this fic so I hope to have that typed and posted soon. Until next time :)**


	3. Chapter Three

**So I lied there will be another part after this. Hope you guys are enjoying it so far but I can’t really tell since no one has posted a review *sad face* But anyway that’s alright I really appreciate reviews but I do this all for my own enjoyment and writing practice. Here’s the next chapter of my Cullrian: Seasons collection. Enjoy!!**

Chapter Three

Cullen was still a little baffled about Leliana’s strange exit just the day before. It seemed like so far she has been trying to avoid him altogether this morning. He went to the war table just to see how operations were going but the only one there was Cassandra. Josephine was not at her desk when he had passed her office and Leliana was nowhere to be seen as well.

“Good morning Commander” She said without looking up from the map of Thedas. 

“Morning. Anything concerning to report?”

“Not exactly. Well...there is something that you would find concerning.”

His heart gave a little lurch at her words. His mind immediately went to thinking that something horrible had happened to a member of the Inquisition. Even worse is that something happened to Dorian.

But she was speaking again before he could even open his mouth to respond: “I was told to keep this a secret from you but I can’t in good conscience. You are my dearest friend and as Dorian’s….er..partner you have every right to know.” 

It seemed like words had got stuck on their way up his throat. It choked him so he had no choice but to wait for her to continue.

“Dorian….well...he did not go off with the Inquisitor two days ago. He instead was heading back to Tevinter.” she handed him a piece of parchment and he wasn’t sure if he was breathing as he took it and read its contents. When he finished it took all his willpower not to shred it to pieces. The rage was building quickly inside him and it made his skin itch. He had to drop the letter and stride over to the end of the room to punch the stone wall before he decided to do something even worse. He kept punching for a few moments and the pain of his knuckles colliding with the hard stone felt good. They were probably scraped to hell under his gloves but he didn’t care as he pulled away to turn back to Cassandra. Her expression was as indifferent as ever but he could see compassion and sympathy in her eyes as she stared at him. The anger had now been completely drained out of him and what was left was even worse. It was pure pain, the kind that felt like his insides were ripping each other apart. He had his share of grief in the past but with the fact of Dorian’s betrayal made it a thousand times worse.

“Curse him.” The words came out soft and broken as tears threatened to fill his eyes and spill over onto his cheeks. All this time he thought Dorian truly had feelings for him, that their relationship was not just fun and games. But him to go back to his homeland permanently without a word showed his true colors. He most definitely did not feel for Cullen as he did for Dorian. He even actually loved the stupid man and he thought Dorian did too. Dorian had called him Amatus, my heart what seemed like hundreds of times a day. He even said the three words that mattered the most. Was it all true or was Dorian capable of being a master of manipulation? If he asked anyone else that they would agree without a moment's hesitation. Tevinter folk are nothing but monsters that enslave people and twist others to their will is what they would say. But even now Cullen could not wholeheartedly believe it. He would have to get answers from Dorian himself whether he had to beat them out of him or not. The man definitely deserved a little tossing around anyway for his actions.

“The Inquisitor went after him yesterday along with Iron Bull, Blackwall, and Sera. To escort him home or to bring him back here I’m not sure.” Cassandra quickly said as Cullen made his way toward the door. He grabbed the handles of the heavy door but paused for a moment.

“Thank you Cassandra for informing me of this. You really are a true friend.” He tried to say the words with as much gratitude as possible but with his emotions at war he wasn’t sure if it came out right. He just had to trust they did as he left the room war room without waiting from a response from her. Josephine was back at her desk but he paid her no mind. No one could distract him from what he was about to do. Maker help whoever got in his way.

\---

When Dorian awoke he was pretty convinced that he was not dead. He was too cold and his body hurt everywhere. It was hard to get a sense of his surroundings in the darkness but the smell of musk and the remnants of a fire made him think that he was in a tent. He made to sit up but hissed as his injured arm protested a little at the movement. He had no choice to lay back down in what seemed to be a pile of furs by the weight and feel of them. His observations were confirmed when he heart the rustling of a tent flap being pushed away and he got a glimpse of the brightness of day before it disappeared again. He tried to lift just his head to see who it was but it only succeeded in making his neck hurt so he laid it back down as form came into full view. It was hard to see who it was but the silhouette showed long hair and a slender form. He flinched when a fireball came to life in a burst of white light. When his eyes adjusted to the brightness he was relieved to see Amelie’s concerned face peering back at him.

“Thank the maker it’s just you. I was really hoping I had not been captured by bandits or some bleeding red templars.” 

The Inquisitor rolled her eyes “I’m pretty sure you would be dead then. No one would want to keep you alive with that mouth of yours.” Dorian laughed but quickly stopped when it just seemed to make the aches in his body worse.  
“How bad is it? I tried my best to get the worst of the injuries to go away but my healing magic really isn’t the best. I really should have brought Vivienne along for the trip but that woman can get on my nerves.”

“I understand completely and I’m not dead so that’s something.” 

Amelie gave a small chuckle at that. “We are packing up to get going, we need as much daylight as we can get.”

“We?”

“As much as I pride myself in being the bad ass Inquisitor with the mark on her hand, I can’t just go off into the snowy mountains alone. You should not have done that yourself I’m glad that I went after you when I did or it would have been too late.”

“Well I am more than capable of taking care of myself....well most of the time…” He amended when he saw the look on the Inquisitor’s face.

“But regardless I am grateful for rescue and company. Can I have some help getting fully upright?”

Amelie let the fireball in her hand extinguish so she could take hold of both of Dorian’s hands. At the first pull he was already cursing and grunting but urged her to keep going until he was standing. When he was he tried to take a few steps forward but like a newborn doe his legs collapsed right underneath him. Amelie caught him just in time before he could hit the ground.

“Why don’t you just ride on my horse for the time being you need to rest anyway.” She started to lead him out of the tent before he could say anything more. When they entered the clearing he was greeted by the Bull, Blackwall, and the crass and not to mention annoying elf named Sera. Despite that though he was truly glad to see familiar faces.

“Hey look who it is.” Iron Bull said in his gravelly voice when he spotted them. 

“Thanks for helping pack up Bull I’ll help take down the tent.” Amelie said. She took Dorian over to a nearby tree as the other’s continued their work.

“I’m not a complete invalid you know.” Dorian grumbled when she gently placed him down so his back was against the rough bark of the trunk.

“Of course you aren’t, just...for the time being.” She grinned at the glare he gave her for that comment. “But really the less you move around and stress your injuries the faster you will heal. We have some regeneration potions on us but they can only help so much.”  
He just gave a huff in answer but something in his body language must have shown his defeat since she seemed satisfied and went back to the tent, grabbing the furs to cover Dorian with before going back to work. Dorian just sat there and watched them work, pulling the furs around him as tight as he could manage with a bad arm. He had just started to doze off when approaching footsteps startled him awake.

“We are all set to go. Ready?” He just sighed and let the Inquisitor slowly pull him up. Five horses were waiting, all saddled and packed with their things. He recognize one of them immediately.

“My horse!” He couldn’t help but shout with joy at the sight of her unharmed and waiting patiently for instructions. It helped to see all his things as well as his staff intact and strapped down for the journey. It made him forget for the moment that the bloody animal had abandoned him in the woods to freeze to death. Before he could really remember and start reprimanding her the Inquisitor was leading him to the horse in front of the line. It was a beauty with sleek black fur and mane the color of onyx. A horse fit for it’s rider.

“What are you doing?” He began before realization hit him “Oh no. Fuck no am I climbing onto that horse with you. I am not some damsel that needs to be rode off into the sunset.” Her expression was patient when she looked at the injured man who had his good arm wrapped around her shoulders so he wouldn’t fall over. 

“You could always ride with Bull. I’ve heard he is great company.” A roar of laughter came from behind them and Dorian could feel his face heating up.

“No just get us on the horse. Dignity be damned.” The infuriating woman grinned at him as she helped him onto the saddle before climbing up herself. He could feel her breasts press against his back and he groaned inwardly at the indignity of having to rely on someone to ride a horse for him. But at least it was a woman for he definitely could not have dealt with the alluring feeling of a hard chest and cock pressing against him. Just the thought had his member tightening in his breeches. He shook the thoughts away and held on for dear life as the Inquisitor flicked the reins and sent them careening forward into the unforgiving terrain.

\---

That man is going to wish he was never born Cullen thought as he stormed into the armory. The rage was back and boiling even more under his skin than before. He reveled in it for it was better than drowning in grief. His head had been putting up a fight since he woke up this morning and he tried his best to ignore it. He was going to have to deal with the withdrawals as he made his way to Tevinter. He was already decked out in his daily armor but he had grabbed a cloak, his lion helmet, and studier gloves from his chambers earlier. Now he took up a sharp sword and a heavy but sturdy shield. Who knows what he will face out in those mountains and other unforgiving terrains he would have to cross. From the map he got off of Josephine the path did not seem direct or easy riding at all. Not surprising since Skyhold was on top of a snow covered mountain so there was no way around steep hills and unbearable cold. The other way would only bring him to the coast of the Waking Sea and that could only be crossed by boat.

“I’ve wasted too much time.” He muttered to himself once he had gathered all the materials he needed and headed to the stables. His horse he fondly named Chestnut when he was younger was waiting for him in her stall. He made a brief nod of acknowledgement to the horse master Dennet and walked his horse out into the courtyard. He swiftly strapped on his saddle bags and put his sword in its sheath. His shield was the last thing to be settled as he strapped it to his back. After that he took off without a second of hesitation. The iron gate lifted just as he crossed the bridge and made his way out of the fortress of Skyhold and into the snow. He had a lot of ground to cover but he prepared for it with lots of water and potions. He would not be stopping until he caught up with everyone and that could mean a few days or more. He would have to see as he flicked the reins and sent his horse galloping faster down the steep paths and thick coatings of snow. He thanked his years of horse riding training and overall strength lessons or this would have been a next to impossible task. One that would most likely get a person with no skills killed.

\---

Dorian wasn’t sure how long they had been riding. From how his body felt it seemed like too long. The jostling of riding was causing things that he didn’t know could hurt, hurt pretty bad. He couldn’t help but let out a string of curses when it was especially excruciating and he knew Amelie felt bad. She tried her best to get him as comfortable as possible against her but it didn’t stop from his head bouncing back onto her chest, uncomfortable despite the cushioning of her breasts.

“We should be making camp in a few hours.” She shouted over the wind.

“Don’t worry about me just keep going. The sooner we get to Tevinter the better.” He shouted back at her as best as he could. He didn’t have a great sense of the time but he estimated that they were only a few days out and that was not enough. They needed to be at least two more days ahead before they could settle for a rest. Then they could slow down the pace a bit since they would be less than a day away. Despite the fact that he was going towards a former home now absent of his father, he couldn’t wait for a long bath and a big comfy bed to sink into. Not to mention the food. It focused on all those things as they continued their bumpy trek forward. 

What was days felt like centuries. Dorian had nodded off once or twice but not enough to give his body any needed rest. Everyone else too was sluggish in the way only lack of sleep caused. They had all each sucked down quite a few regeneration potions but it only just gave the body physically the push to go farther. 

“Quizzy don’t you think we can take a break yeah? I can’t feel my fucking tits.” Sera whined for the hundredth time as they made a slow trek through the snow. From the looks of the greenery and that they had passed through Val Royeaux a day ago Dorian would estimate they were somewhere in Nevarra. It gave him hope that they were getting close.

“I agree with Sera I think we can afford a few hours rest before continuing on.” He said to Amelie and he could not see her face but he could feel her surrender and relief in how she seemed to relax more against his back.

“If you all think that is a wise plan than go for it. The hill just over there looks like a good enough place to camp.” The relief was palpable but it was only Sera who whooped with joy out loud. There was more careful handling of Dorian as he was helped down from the horse (which did not annoy him any less) and walked to a blanket that was put down on the ground. It was cold and the snow was hard but he was still grateful to not be jostling around on a horse. He got as comfortable as possible when he was given a blanket and tried to induce the feeling of warmth enough to fall asleep. His arm was just now a dull ache that he could barely feel but the chill just seemed to just dig right down into his very marrow. He tossed and turned as his teeth clacked together involuntarily. He was surprised when all of a sudden there was something big and solid wrapping around him. It was so warm and comforting that he thought he was now just imagining things. It felt so like Cullen and it made a twinge of pain go through his chest. 

“Cullen?” The words slipped out before his brain could catch up and he immediately felt stupid for it.

“Get some rest little Vint’. Your going to need it.” A gravelly voice answered and Dorian stiffened. He twisted around to find Iron Bull staring down at him, his massive arms wrapped about his body. 

“Thank you but I-I-I’m fine.” He stuttered out as his face started to heat up at the noticeable feel of something pressing up against his hip.

“Don’t be so embarrassed just felt bad watching you shiver over here. Nothing by it.” The words did little to reassure him but the more he thought about it the more this seemed logical. He was going to freeze to death without someone else’s warmth to aid him. He just had to hope that the Bull would not take advantage of him. 

_It doesn’t matter anyway. You don’t belong to anyone anymore._

The words bit hard into his skin and plunged into his already aching chest. It really fucking blew when his own thoughts decide to rally against him. But he deserved it. He tried his best to just get comfortable and let his mind go blank. Thankfully with Bull keeping him warm, he eventually fell into a deep sleep.

It was too early when he was awoken to be pulled upright and practically thrown back on the saddle with the Inquisitor. He could only grumble some choice words in Tevene as they unpacked and rode off again to Tevinter. Time again kept at a slow pace that could only be compared to a slug. It was slow enough for Dorian to miss for a few moments that the environment had changed. That the air had a familiar warmth, not too hot but not freezing either. The buildings were whitewashed and grand with it’s gold and silver gilding. It was a sight he thought he would never see again and he could not help but feel a bit of joy when they came upon the palace where the king and his ambassadors resided. The women and men of Tevinter milled about, watching with curiosity and suspicion as the Inquisition party approached the palace. When they got to the threshold that went up in a long flight of stairs Dorian quickly dismounted. He made quick work at straightening his robes and his hair and gulping down a health potion that he saved for this occasion. It gave enough stamina back for him to be able to stand tall and sure as if he always belonged to this country that was his so called “home”. 

“Thanks for escorting me here Amelie. I think it is wise that I take it from here and you all head back off to Skyhold.”

“Not bleeding likely. I need some food and a proper bed before for thinking of treking my arse all the way back to Ferelden. I’m sure you would agree Quizzy yeah?” 

“Sera is right. You go reunite with your mother we will be staying at an inn for the night. You better come see us off in the morning that’s an order.” Amelie tried to make her voice sound stern and commanding but her smile gave it all away and it had Dorian grinning back at her.

“Yes Inquisitor” 

Amelie just punched his good arm in response and rallied her party off to find a place to stay. Dorian immediately regretted sending them away as he stood alone at the palace steps. He wasn’t sure what would be greeting him inside. Worst of all was the very palpable lack of presence of the man he needed the most. The guilt began to gnaw at him again and he pushed it away the best that he could as he marched up the steps.

\---

Cullen knew the journey was not going to be easy whatsoever. But as his body started it’s rebellion he started to question if he made the right choice of going after Dorian in this state. His head was pounding, worsened by every jolt of the horse. He was also finding it hard to breathe and his vision started to blur. He grabbed a bottle of regeneration potion and sucked it down quickly. He still gagged for a moment over the vile taste but recovered. He was only a few days out and that was nearly not enough ground covered until he can stop to rest. He just had to hope he wouldn’t die before then. Lyrium and it’s evil substance that did nothing but turn templars mad and make mages gravely ill or die if given enough exposure to it. He could not, would not regret his choice of becoming a templar but he will always regret taking up a position in Kirkwall under the command of Knight Commander Meredith. 

_Enough about that. Just keep going and remember you still are a templar. You trained for feats worse than this don’t let all those years of commitment and training fail you now._

“Maker preserve and guide me.” He bit out into the freezing air as he continued to charge down paths and get half blinded by stinging snow in the process. He tried to just focus on his breathing and the snorting of his horse as he kept her at a fast gallop. He hadn’t realized he had dozed until his horse came to a screeching halt, her front legs rearing up in the air as she squealed in terror. It sent him flying right off the horse and onto the ground that was not cushioned by soft snow. He landed on his side with a cry, all breath knocked right out of him. There was a deep throaty growl and Culle only just scrambled out of the way in time for the wolf not to clamp it’s jaws onto his throat. It did latch onto his leg and he screamed as it’s fangs sunk deep into his flesh. He frantically kicked at the animal, trying to shake off his grip as he tried to grab for his sword. It was pinned under him and all he could do was twist his body and use his free leg to firmly kick the wolf on the side of the head. It let go with a yelp and he tried his best to ignore the sharp pain as he rolled onto his stomach to climb back onto his feet. At his best state he would have been up in seconds but now he could not get up fast enough. The wolf had once again got a grip on him, pinning him down with its weight as it chewed on his cloak. He thanked the maker that he was wearing many layers so his skin was protected. He brought up his elbow and was able to knock it off. But more growls were heard, coming closer and true fear set in. He was nowhere capable of taking on several wolves at a time, no one was. His best hope was to get back onto Chestnut and run.  
He could hear her whinnying and he blindly got up and ran towards the noise. He grabbed his sword from its sheath and swung it around to try to fend the beasts off. It worked well enough and he got back on his horse and held on since she was still spooked. One of them got a hold of his ankle and stabbed it deep with his sword. Once he was free he dug in his heels and sent chestnut flying. The wolves chased after them, growling and snapping and Cullen just called for Chestnut to gallop faster. Eventually the bastards gave up the chase but Cullen would not have not noticed. He had slipped out of consciousness as the adrenaline drained away and the pain set in. Chestnut knew of her master’s incapacitation and slowed down her pace so he would not fall off. But as a horse she had no direction as where to go without her master to guide her so she only just kept galloping forward.

\---

It had been a day since the Inquisitor and her party had departed. Dorian wasn’t sure he would ever see her again. He made promises to write often but he doubted there would be time for him to ever visit the place that had been his true home for some time. His mother, stony and cool as ever had stood with him as he watched them go.

“What a group of raggedy bandits.” She had said with scorn and he did not bother to argue against her. He knew there was no winning an argument against Aquinea, not even Halward could in some occasions. After being tended to healers, a bath, and plenty of food Dorian felt like a strong man again. But as himself? Definitely not. The horrible energy of the place had seeped back into his bones and he was back to being a statue devoid of emotion. His father’s presence just seemed to linger and he couldn’t feel like he could relax and step into the role as ambassador with ease. There was gathering after gathering, papers to be signed, and he felt like he could have no voice, no sway in the court. This was what he had hoped for and wanted. To be the gnat in the king’s ear, whispering “advice” on the matters that needed to be changed. But so far it had seemed all for naught. That night he layed in his lavish bed and cried himself to sleep. All he could see was Cullen’s face. The faces of the people he had come to think of as his friends and allies. The home he had felt like he truly belonged to. What could he possibly do now?

He was still dreaming about it when commotion outside had startled him awake. Confused and dazed he threw on a robe over his night clothes and followed the noise to the outside square. In the dark he could see a group of people approaching on horseback at a fast pace. The candles lighting the front of buildings did not give enough light and the figures only took more substance when they got nearer. When they did he could recognize the hulking mass of Iron Bull. He thought he must have been dreaming. But sure enough the head of the group materialized in the dim light. It was Amelie and he had never been happier to see her. But the relief was short lived when he saw that she had a figure in her arms. She handed whoever it was down to Bull and he got a glimpse of blonde hair as well as black and red fur. His heart seized in his chest.

“Please help we need healer’s here right now!” Amelie shouted and when she spotted Dorian she ran up to him.

“Dorian! Thank the maker you need to summon healers now Cullen has been attacked!”

He didn’t need her to finish and he ran right up the steps to tell the guards to alert the healers before returning back down to the group. Cullen was ashen and motionless and without hesitation he took his lover from Bull’s arms and ran up the steps. He was heavier than expected, his body weighed down from layers of armor soaked through from the snow. But Dorian ignored the strain as he made it to the infirmary. The healer’s immediately whisked Cullen away and Dorian could do nothing but watch as they removed his wet clothes and tended to his wounds. There was so much blood and his ankle looked mutilated. Some of the blood had seeped onto Dorian’s white robes but he didn’t care. He would not leave Cullen’s side. A mixture of anger, fear, and grief was now turning his stomach. He wasn’t sure what he would do when Cullen woke up. Well if he woke up that is. It was clear on top of the injuries he was suffering from lyrium withdrawal.

Stupid fucking idiot. He’s lucky he’s alive and not vulture food. Why couldn’t he of just stayed at Skyhold?!  
He was left to stew in his thoughts a long time for Cullen did not regain consciousness after being bandaged and settled into a cot. They had given him some potions for the pain but a fever was still rampaging through his body. Dorian could only press a cool cloth to his head as he twitched, shook, and groaned in his sleep. His mother had come to visit at one point, disgust clear in her face when she saw the blood all over his clothes and how he tenderly looked after Cullen. He channelled Halward when she demanded he return to his duties and coldly pretty much told her to fuck off. He knew he would see consequences for that but at the moment he didn’t care nor cared about anything that was not about Cullen.

During the night he sat wide awake as he heard Cullen whisper that sounded something akin to his name. It broke his heart all over again and made the guilt dig in deeper. This wouldn’t have happened if he had just told Cullen. He was bound to find out but Dorian denied that he would go after him if he did. But that just is an insult to Cullen’s character. He knew he would do the same thing if the roles were reversed. He would have never let their relationship end like that. So he was being punished and he deserved every second of it.  
‘  
Another day passed and things seemed to only get worse. The fever had not broken and delirium was setting in. Dorian was just sitting reading a book when Cullen had shot right up and out of the bed. His hands had closed around Dorian’s neck and he was taken too off guard to defend himself in that split second.

“I will end you demon!!” He had screamed as his big hands squeezed and squeezed, his amber eyes wide and unseeing. He was surprisingly strong and Dorian had tried to choke out his name. He had dug his fingers into Cullen’s bare arm and he still had not let go. The healer’s heard the commotion and came to help before Dorian could lose consciousness. They subdued Cullen with some spirit magic to the head and tied him down to keep him from harming himself or others again. Dorian did not think he had ever been that scared in this life and he was still scared. It seemed very likely that Cullen would not recover from all this and die before Dorian could even apologize. He cursed himself for not knowing enough knowledge on healing magic. He was helpless to do anything. If this wasn’t his own personal hell he didn’t know what was. 

It was yet another night and Dorian sat curled in a chair by the bed. Cullen had finally gone still after thrashing against the restraints for what seemed like hours. He wasn’t sure if it was the exhaustion or the fact Cullen was dying but he felt the warm trickle of tears roll down his cheeks. Once it started it didn’t seem to want to stop. His vision blurred as more tears came pouring down and his chest spasmed as a sob came up to choke him. He buried his head in his hands and just let it pass, trying to keep the sobs quiet so no one would hear. Last thing he needed is a healer or worse a member of the court coming in and seeing him like this. 

“No son of mine will ever cry” Halward always said to him when he was just a child with such disdain and that disgust never went away into adulthood when some days living at home were too hard to bear. 

A voice came so quiet he thought for a moment he had imagined it. But then it came again, clearer but just as soft.

“...Dorian?” His head shot up to see Cullen, awake and blinking wearily at him. 

“Amatus?” It took a few moments but Dorian felt himself rise and approach the bed. He could feel his muscles tense, still nervous as to if this was really Cullen and not some half-asleep, delirious version of him. But the amber eyes, though dull from sickness were fixed on him and aware as could be. It took all his will not to sag to the floor with relief.

“How…?Where am I?” he asked, tugging on the ropes binding his wrists with confusion. Dorian quickly untied them and his legs. Once he was free Cullen made to sit up but he let out a cry when he felt the pain of his ankle and he quickly sank back down.

“Careful amatus. Your ankle resembles more like shredded meat than an actual appendage right now.”

Cullen just stared at him, his eyes glazed over with pain before saying: “I must be dreaming. There is no chance I could have made it to Tevinter. I must be lying dead somewhere in Orlais. It makes no sense.” Dorian could only smile as fresh tears pressed against his eyes. He gently sat on the side of the bed and smoothed tendrils of hair that were still slicked with sweat away from Cullen’s face.

“I can assure you this is not a dream and I thank the maker that you are not dead. Amelie found you and brought you here. You almost made it my darling but it looks like you encountered a demon or some wild animal.”

“Wolves.” Cullen growled as memories of the days before came back. 

“Ah. The commander of the Inquisition is truly a force to be reckoned with then.” They both chuckled a bit at that but a scowl quickly darkened Cullen’s face. Dorian felt his heart seize and he found that he could no longer look at the man. The words that came were expected but it still hit him like a blow.

“Did I matter so little to you Dorian?” 

“Maker no! That’s not why…” He trailed off, his throat closing up and refusing to let more words pass.

“Then why? Why would you not tell me?” His face scrunched up with pain and his breaths got more ragged.

“Please” Dorian said as he laid a hand on Cullen’s chest “Don’t exert yourself your going to develop another fever.”

“Doesn’t matter” He said, swatting his hand away “It’s nothing compared to this…” He seemed to contemplate for a moment before finishing the sentence with “...deceit”

Cullen might as well sunk a sword all the way through his chest. It would have most likely hurt less.

“Amatus…” Cullen seemed to tense at the word “Betrayal was never my intent. I do love you I just couldn’t let you come with me.”

Cullen remained silent so he continued “You belong with the Inquisition. Corypheus is still out there and your soldiers need a commander. No one else can do so but you. You would be miserable here in Tevinter all these stupid gatherings and gossip. You would have never been happy here, especially since we would most likely be scorned by others. Being ambassador matters little in a case such as that”

“I would have...been happy….just to be with you.” The words were soft “You are...were all that mattered to me.”

All Dorian wanted to do in that moment was throw himself on Cullen and beg for forgiveness. But the damage was already done. It seemed best to leave for Cullen was no longer looking at him. His gaze was intent on somewhere else in the room. Anywhere than him. 

“Get some rest.” Are the only words Dorian could say before rising and leaving the room. His inside were being torn to pieces but he relished it. He deserved it and if Cullen would not forgive him, he would never forgive himself.

**This story seems to not want to end so I will continue into yet another part! Whether that will be the last I am not sure. Anyway please review it means so much to little ol’ amateur writer me who wants to know if their writing is any good. Until next time...**


End file.
